A Couple of Bobble Heads

Volunteer

2009-01-09T07:21:00.000-08:00

Again, what the hell do you people mean?

I see a police car and it has a sudo-sign/sticker/something in the rear side window that simply says "Volunteer".

Are you suggesting that I volunteer and if so, why the hell are you telling me what to do?

Are YOU a volunteer with the police? How's that work? If I "volunteer", does that mean they'll give me a police cruiser, uniform and shotgun?

I'm confused as to the meaning of your sudo-sign/sticker/something.

ESPN

2009-01-09T07:16:00.001-08:00

It's official, ESPN has run out of topics to debate. They're discussing the BCS Title Game which took place last night and they're debating: "Did Florida win or did Oklahoma lose?". Huh? Is that a trick question? I'm going with answer.......C - Both of the above.

Raiders

2008-12-19T11:47:00.000-08:00

Last week, Laura and I were either watching or listening to the Raiders game. At the end of a play, the Raider's tight end was slow getting up. While he was still on the ground, the commentator said, "The Raiders certainly can't afford to lose him."

Dear Commentator,

What the fuck does that mean? Are you referring to this particular game? They're down by 3 touchdowns with 4 minutes left. Are you referring to their season? Their something like 3-11. Are you implying their hopes of finishing the season with 4 wins have been dashed?

Not only can the Raiders "afford to lose" their tight end, they can afford to lose the entire team! In fact, if the entire team was lost in a plane crash, they couldn't do much worse. Seriously, if the Raiders will rebuilt next year from an expansion draft, they could probably win 5 games.

Thanks

Jason "Raider Hater" Tray-Dog

What Did You Say?

2008-12-15T21:44:00.000-08:00

Laura, Steph, and I had dinner at Extreme Pita. They sell pitas in either 6" or 9" sizes. Laura was finishing hers rather fast and Steph was lagging behind. Steph noticed this, turned to Laura and asked "Did you get six inches? 'Cause I got nine inches and it's taking me longer."

Steph is a dirty, dirty bird.

Old Age Is A Bitch

2008-12-15T21:39:00.000-08:00

My mother and father in-laws are going through a phase in which every time you suggest going some place, they're afraid there won't be any parking.

My own mother can't find trash bags to fit her trash can. I took a closer look and realized that she's using a laundry hamper. I thought she would have been clued in by the holes in the side of the basket, not to mention the sticker on the side that reads "Hamper".

In their defense, around 5pm today, I realized that I had been wearing 2 different shoes the entire day. Lucky for me I never left the house.

Ketchup on Eggs

2008-12-06T11:58:00.001-08:00

Went fishing this morning, caught 4 fish. Came home, started some bacon while cleaning my fish. Scrambled some eggs but undercooked them a little. By the time I put some ketchup on the eggs, I had a red, mushy pulp that resembled the fish guts I just threw away.

I didn't finish my eggs...

New TV Show?

2008-12-06T11:56:00.001-08:00

When the Comcast cable guide abbreviates a show's title, "Flip This House" becomes "Flip This...". I think the abbreviated version sounds like a better show.

Predicting The Next Sharks Game

2008-12-05T17:04:00.000-08:00

Their last 6 games:

Saturday, 11-22-08, Sharks won 7-2
Wednesday, 11-26-08, Sharks won 3-2
Friday, 11-28-08, Sharks won 6-2
Saturday, 11-29-08, Sharks won 3-2
Tuesday, 12-2-08, Sharks won 5-2
Thursday, 12-4-08, Sharks won 3-2

This coming Saturday, 12-6-08, I predict the Sharks will win by the score of...

Something-2

Yep, You're Going to Hell

2008-11-30T11:57:00.001-08:00

I'm not a religious man, but I do believe there's some big picture that none of us are seeing.

With that being said, a man was killed on Friday as 2,000 shoppers stormed into a Walmart in the wee hours of the morning so they could save a few bucks on their electronics. The man was literally trampled to death. This happens every year but usually nobody dies. We hear the stories of elderly people getting walked over, people stepping on pregnant women, all to save money on some electronics or other goodies.

These people aren't running on a primal instinct to survive. It's not like there's a food shortage and they're fighting each other for food off a truck. There's no epidemic that's killing people and they're not fighting for medicine. They're just greedy pigs that are willing to kill other people in order to get a flat panel TV.

People tell me that no matter how well I treat others, no matter how much I help the planet or improve life for the unfortunate, I'm going to hell because I don't believe that Jesus died for our sins. That's fine, I'm not too worried about it. But I gotta tell ya, I don't care if you DO believe in Jesus, you're consumer greed got you a first class ticket to hell on the seat next to me. I've never killed anyone for a microwave.

Its Not a Tumor

2008-11-30T11:47:00.000-08:00

Holy crap. I've got a stomach bug. Was supposed to visit my mom this weekend, do some fishing, possible golf, and definitely spend a day or more in Yosemite. Was REALLY hoping to take pictures, hoping to find some monster bucks before they shed their racks in the near future.

But, the stomach kept me from going. Felt a little better for a day, then crappy the next day. It comes and goes, sometimes I feel better when my stomach is empty, other times I feel better when I eat. There's just no consistency.

I've had this before. I used to describe it as the "stomach flu" but I learned there's no such thing. It's possible I have a touch of the flu and it just happens to be affecting my stomach and nothing else, but more than likely, it's just a bug. I've had it before, I'll have it again. It lasts about 4-6 days, it's not the end of the world.

My mom sends me an email and reminds me of how my Dad had cancer 20 years ago and asks if I've been checked out for stomach cancer. Wow.

I told her, in the nicest way possible, she's officially gone off the deep end. I have a tummy ache and she starts thinking cancer. I told her to "step back, take a deep breath, and let the reality wash over your body." It's a stomach ache.

Good lord.

Me nuts!

2008-11-26T00:04:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how, or if it's even possible, but I think I broke one of my balls. My right one has been aching for a week, there might be a visit to the doctor in my future.

What I Learned at the CAL Game Yesterday

2008-11-23T13:13:00.001-08:00

If you're going to store jello shots in your purse and sneak them into the stadium, remember to be gentle with your bag lest the jello shots explode and you get blue and gold jello all over the inside of your bag and all its contents.

If this should happen, try to be drunk enough to not really care that every time you reach into your bag your hand comes out blue and sticky.

Holy Crap

2008-11-18T13:20:00.000-08:00

I've reached a new low. I was in a hurry this morning so I was brushing my teeth fast and furious. On the down stroke, my arm went too far and the toothbrush popped out of my mouth. On the quick upstroke, I shoved my toothbrush right up my nose. It friggin hurt. Not to mention that it started to bleed like a geyser. The good news is that my right nostril is free of plague.

JT

Timing is Everything

2008-11-11T15:52:00.001-08:00

Some people say that timing is everything, especially when it comes to comedy. My friend Nicole will agree since she's the funniest person I know. Keith also agrees, he just doesn't practice it.

As I've learned today, timing also applies to weddings...

Exhibit A - I had a cold sore 2 weeks AFTER my wedding. Perfect timing.

Then today, I was going to hop in the shower, decided to spend a minute plucking and trimming my eyebrows. I don't have enough hair on my head, but when it comes to my eyebrows, it's a never ending battle to avoid the Dukakis look...not to mention the uni-brow. So, I bust out the new trimmer, I set the length to #2. I turn it on, it's buzzing away, I press it to my head and while I'm zooming it across my right eyebrow, the damn clicker slips and slides the length down to ZERO. Now I have one eyebrow that almost doesn't exist.

Again, I say it's all in the timing. The cold sore, eyebrow gate, both could have happened right before the wedding. I would have been paying the photographer to add eyebrows and chop a pound off my lip, not to mention I wouldn't have been able to kiss the bride.

I feel lucky. Hairless....but lucky.

Point for Bellacantare

2008-11-10T23:09:00.000-08:00

Mr. Yosemite couldn't figure out how to use the slideshow function. It took me like two minutes.

Bella = 1
MrY = A big fat 0

Point and laugh...